Snowy Owl Cuddlekins 12" Review

The first point to make is that as soon as I procured this Owl, the Owl took over. The Owl took ownership of all of my property almost immediately. The Owl also soon started stockpiling other people's property. But this was only the beginning. If you think this Owl is cute, and that it looks like the Harry Potter owl, you have NO IDEA what you're getting yourself into. This is NOTHING like the Harry Potter owl. Such blasphemy angers the Owl very much.

In case any children are reading (children that the Owl has not yet eaten, of which there can't be many left at this point), I will keep this review PG rated, even though that will make it VERY difficult to truly capture how HARD CORE this Owl is.

The Owl somehow bought out the lot next door to my house, and destroyed the structure that had been standing there. The Owl then contracted with some criminals to construct some sort of underground bunker used mainly for storage of gold, assault weaponry, and nuclear weapons. The Owl recently took delivery of half of North Korea's arsenal, along with most of Iran's yellow cake uranium. There WERE WMDs in Iraq, Dick Cheney was correct. The Owl is now in possession of them.

I have to say, though the Owl does tend to run things as a dictatorship, I for one welcome our new Owl overlord. Another plus is that the Owl patrols the house at night and when I'm not home, protecting the area. The Owl will kill trespassers on sight, so do NOT screw around. The Owl accomplishes this without ever making a mess, since instead of leaving the bodies strewn about the countryside, he prefers to stack the bodies in a special holding area in his aforementioned underground bunker for later consumption.

One of the drawbacks is the Owl's appetite. Stuffed snowy owls usually eat nothing at all, as they are inanimate objects. Normal snowy owls in the wild eat little rodents like lemmings and stuff. Well, this Owl prefers large game such as orangutans, triceratops, buffalo, and even an occasional rhinoceros. This is only on a light day. As an after dinner snack, the Owl will sometimes consume tree trunks and steel beams or girders. If you don't have enough of these around, the Owl will move on to ripping through your drywall and your flooring. The Owl may even do this (along with drinking gasoline and rat poison) as a pastime activity. So be careful.

You will need to get used the Owl's influence. Most people initially will not understand your devotion to the Owl. They will laugh at your mandatory pilgrimages to local zoos to see the Owl's distant cousins, thinking you are nuts. But in reality, you know that you must pay homage to the Owl, at all times. If you do this, your Owl ownership (rather, the Owl's ownership of you) will be a rewarding, magnificent and life changing experience for all involved. But screw around, and the Owl will exact vengeance and revenge.

In closing, the Owl owns everything, and there's NOTHING that you can do about it. So you might as well just buy the Owl now and get on with it.

The Owl has several things in the works next. As soon as the Owl masters cold fusion, he will move on to terraforming Mars. This normally could take decades, even centuries for the world's greatest minds. But the Owl has no issues waking up in the morning, and then having things like this finished before lunch time. After hard work like that, lunch would generally consist of a few gorillas, your cat, and probably your garage. If there happen to be power tools in that garage: all the better. The Owl can digest your chainsaw, and gold coins come out the other end. He then tends to put an entire cactus full of porcupines in his beak while choking horses with his 5 foot wingspan just for fun, and then he calls YOU a sick son of a gun. By that time the Owl may need a nap. He will perch on your face for his nap, and if you move, or wake the Owl up: WATCH OUT. The Owl has secret weapons that I've STILL yet to mention.

There's too much about the greatness of the Owl that can't fit in a mere amazon.com review. This is why you need to buy this Owl right now and then hold on for the ride of your life. In a monstrously hard core manner, the Owl destroys and dominates.

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Product Description:
Unbelievably soft! Cuddlekins are a line of poseable super-soft floppy animals designed to sit, stand or lay down. The animal designs are very realistic yet extremely cute and cuddly.

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